Love to Love Me

“This love. it is a love that is so deep, so mysteriously intriguing,
so seductive and elusive, seemingly tangible.

It will bring you to your highest heights, show you the amazingness  within yourself and your love – it will also show you hell, your own personal hell, with all of your deepest, darkest demons and shadows lurking.

Who will you become through this process?”

7/10/2008 (journal)

This love, a love of light and dark, of seeking and withdrawing.

Wanting to be together beyond all limits, while pushing one another away, holding each other back, while urging one another forward. Habitual presence of wanting what we couldn’t attain.

Individually adding the magical elements of our essence, coming together would be  alchemy.

Blowing our minds.

His gifts to me were from his heart, of music, passion and deep, soul love for me.

Music…..my beautiful love, was the foundation to this deep connection;
Music was our lifeline, I being the muse.

Hopes, dreams, transcendence and far-reaching epiphanies…..

I thought to myself
“This love is strong and can get me through anything, we can do it
that is the Power of Love”

I began to see a potential within me that drove me to expand, to
grow and evolve past the point where I currently was.
Coming out of my shell, breaking free from the conditioned girl who I was. Yet that work was always on my internal realms.

I glimpsed my inner girl transforming within the chrysalis, accessing the woman I am. I began to experience my shadow and light, awareness of self coming into sharp contrast.

I allowed my hurt, fear, doubt and insecurity to come out within me. Hopelessly acting out upon them, my actions and demeanor drastically changed.

I asked myself

where did my Powerful Self go?

All my work, and this is what I am left with, frustration and old patterns.

I never wanted to hold myself and him back from our individual purpose and dream, yet it was seemingly inevitable given our course of action.

Where it once felt easy and effortless, this beautiful love started to feel as though it was going against the flow.
I felt I was swimming upstream in a rapidly rushing current of water.
Missing my own boat to jump on another.

I saw that I wasn’t living MY dream, rather living someone else’s.

I asked myself.

Am I happy? Please show me the truth of what I’m meant to see.
Seeing wasn’t easy.
My truth was

“This love isn’t right for me, cultivating an inner unshakeable love is to attract my true love who is meant to be”

A wise woman once stated
“It’s not how much you love the person you are with,
it’s how much you love yourself with that person.”

Shockingly…
the universe slapped me in the face with reality,
shaking me to my core, waking me from my unawakened dreams, allowing me to let go of that which was no longer for me, to open up to unexplored possibilities.

Not being the strong woman I knew myself to be. I was a victim in life, worrying what others thought of me, basing the opinions of self on other’s opinions of me and how my life should be.

That is not healthy love…. For self or anyone surrounding me.

A pivotal step in my growth, this spanning love throughout the years was a transformative teacher, strengthening me in who I am.

I learned that words are nothing but dreams without action…

Action Speaks.

I experienced my ability to give love and how much love I have to give, I love to love

If I am not truly loving myself, how could I possibly build a loving relationship on being in any space other than self-love?

With patience, independence and awareness, unhealthy patterns can be overcome.

Within the cataclysmic breakdown of our relationship, I felt myself gliding into new directions. Thoughts came to me in the contemplative state I was in.

“I desire to move into a space of empowerment and inspiration close to and coming from my source. I will allow only the best treatment in my life, from myself most importantly. In order for me to have what I want with my love, I have to be my love. So that I can attract the love I’m meant to have with my true soul mate when the time is right.

It is time to do what feels right, be who I know myself to be, contentedly within, LETTING GO into my flow of existence.”

Walking through the romantically lit city of Verona, a treasure of unfounded beauty,
I understood that I came to Verona to fall in love.

to fall in love with me.

In the mirror, I had a heart to heart with self, looking into my eyes I told myself,

“Nicole…

I know that you were looking for this deep transformative love and wanted to have it because it made you feel loved, yet,

I LOVE YOU

The love, adoration, strength and happiness you are looking for, I will give to you, I am here for you and fully love you.
I believe in you, that is all I can do. When the time is right, True Love will find it’s way into your life, and you will know it’s right.”

With that being said, the cultivation of self-love has been more reliable, more trustworthy, more difficult and more resplendent than any love I have yet known.
Self love means loving who I am and loving my life, even through the harshness. Witnessing the beauty of self and life even when I almost want to give in, when I feel I slip up, when life is not what I want.

When every fiber of my being wants to break down and not push forward,

I persevere.

I love and accept myself and all that entails, my inner love becomes pronounced daily; the lotus flower within my heart, unfolding, never-ending.

My living dream is every moment, every experience, every taste, every smell, every encounter, every thought, every emotion.

Love is a two-way street and it starts within.

I am love

xo,

Nicole

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