“Go within to find the answers to yourself, for you are the gatekeeper to your domain.
In the silence the answers will come, only in the quietude can you hear the essence of life, the vibration of heart, the energy of soul.
Let the shadows surface and find solace in the source.
Use these perceived faults as tools, to move forward and uncover self.
Take part in the evolution of self.”
5/11/2009 journal

We are driving through the breathtaking mountains of colorado, its incredible what we have already experienced and as much as I would like to go into that, instead I am taking you deep, deep into where my journeys have taken me.

Through my psyche.

It is an experiental experience to know oneself, a trial and error of creating.

My happiness and expansion have come with dedication to pushing myself out of my box.
Evolution = change= progress=wisdom accrued
Its in the uncomfortable, unknowing, changing places that true growth of self takes place within me. I now take it upon myself to consciously evolve, stepping into these unknowing places, inviting the forces of change to bring it on, show me what I can now become.
Push through

Adventuring started for me almost 2 years ago. At that time I was in a space of feeling stagnant and unhappy with where I was. My life by all means was stable, and comforting, yet there were inside and outside forces that seemed to be pushing me out of this comfortable life.
I could feel deep within me that there was more for me to experience, for me to become. I felt a undeniable loss of what I felt I had built up, yet it wasn’t so much a loss more so a need to gain.

I didn’t know where I was headed except for the first two destinations, and took off.
Life opened up, and I was shown through dreams and my heart of where to go next.

Following the flow.

I went from Montana for a month and a half, to New Mexico for 3 months, to Sedona for a weekend, up to San Francisco for 3 weeks, to Hawaii for 2 and half months, back home for a month, out to NYC for 5 months, back home for almost 3 months, then to Berlin for 5 weeks, home to process and start afresh for 4 months.
Haha, as I just read that I got overwhelmed.
The experiences within my travels have been more of an integration into the places I am residing, not as a tourist, instead living where I settle for the time being.
It is my dream to experience myself as a local wherever I journey to, I think that is where I truly learn.
Its not always glitz and glamour, but what in life is?

In leaving it became my entrance into the cocoon, weaving my chrysalis all around me, protecting me, keeping myself in convalescence.
I didn’t know where I would be going from my first stop, but I knew that I would never again be what I once was.
My transformation was inevitable, and however long it took, when I was through I would emerge with a knowing of self beyond all of what I defined myself with at home.
This was a gateway, a transformative period of surrendering my old way of belonging and saying goodbye for good to the girl within me.
leaving all behind in search of self

if I can’t look within, at all that is within, how can I possibly bring it out?
I had dreams, visions and epiphanies of being this woman

I had to ask myself the simple question.

who am I outside all that defines me?
what is it I need to release?
how do I bring myself authentically into the world?
how to overcome MYSELF?

Becoming whole took the courage to undermine parts of myself.
go within
breakdown to break through.
Digging down felt unpleasant, looked unpleasant at times, emotions, flashes and memories that I did not on any level wish to acknowledge.
I am fine, had been my key phrases throughout my life.

I wasn’t fine, my self wasn’t where I wanted to be.
Push, dig, unravel, reweave.

“Everything can be a possible course of action, show love to yourself, know that you are in a healing space.
The process has been unfolding up until now, and these are the steps to undo your negative patterns that are deeply rooted.
Just BE, know that all you wish for will come to fruition.
Your purpose will become more clear, your mind more sharp as you move to take your seat within and regain full power of self.
Trust the process, let it unfold”
5/22/2009 journal

Not an easy process, digging into my subconscious patterns

I had to contend and come to terms with my ego.
Realizing that much has been created out of my wounds. Self protecting and putting guards up.

 

I spoke into the empty spaces once worked through promising myself

 

A beautiful, tragic and eloquent process of aligning myself with who I truly am.
I started to feel this solid presence of my inner self, knowing that with cultivation this part of me would become unmistakeable.
slowly, and little by little I was transforming my chrysalis becoming stronger, heavier, almost ready to emerge.
A new energy emanated from within, a hum of clarity, a knowing of a deeper nature.
Building my foundation out of unshakeable stone, instead of crumbling sand.

When issues surface from time to time, I look at them with compassion and give myself the space to work through them, with love I tell myself its ok to process.
Situations and people that represented old parts of myself started to either fall away, or transform into a space where I could flourish.

I have emerged from my cocoon, with intelligence, depth, inner beauty, strength, knowledge of self and self love, and I love every minute of what I have experienced.
What I have come into within is so much more than any amount of money, career move, or partying could have brought me.
A journey within that forever changed my life.

A level of knowing myself permeates my existence, whether or not it is accepted.

I know who I am.

xo,

Nicole