Morphogenic

“Go within to find the answers to yourself, for you are the gatekeeper to your domain.
In the silence the answers will come, only in the quietude can you hear the essence of life, the vibration of heart, the energy of soul.
Let the shadows surface and find solace in the source.
Use these perceived faults as tools, to move forward and uncover self.
Take part in the evolution of self.”
5/11/2009 journal

We are driving through the breathtaking mountains of colorado, its incredible what we have already experienced and as much as I would like to go into that, instead I am taking you deep, deep into where my journeys have taken me.

Through my psyche.

It is an experiental experience to know oneself, a trial and error of creating.

My happiness and expansion have come with dedication to pushing myself out of my box.
Evolution = change= progress=wisdom accrued
Its in the uncomfortable, unknowing, changing places that true growth of self takes place within me. I now take it upon myself to consciously evolve, stepping into these unknowing places, inviting the forces of change to bring it on, show me what I can now become.
Push through

Adventuring started for me almost 2 years ago. At that time I was in a space of feeling stagnant and unhappy with where I was. My life by all means was stable, and comforting, yet there were inside and outside forces that seemed to be pushing me out of this comfortable life.
I could feel deep within me that there was more for me to experience, for me to become. I felt a undeniable loss of what I felt I had built up, yet it wasn’t so much a loss more so a need to gain.

I didn’t know where I was headed except for the first two destinations, and took off.
Life opened up, and I was shown through dreams and my heart of where to go next.

Following the flow.

I went from Montana for a month and a half, to New Mexico for 3 months, to Sedona for a weekend, up to San Francisco for 3 weeks, to Hawaii for 2 and half months, back home for a month, out to NYC for 5 months, back home for almost 3 months, then to Berlin for 5 weeks, home to process and start afresh for 4 months.
Haha, as I just read that I got overwhelmed.
The experiences within my travels have been more of an integration into the places I am residing, not as a tourist, instead living where I settle for the time being.
It is my dream to experience myself as a local wherever I journey to, I think that is where I truly learn.
Its not always glitz and glamour, but what in life is?

In leaving it became my entrance into the cocoon, weaving my chrysalis all around me, protecting me, keeping myself in convalescence.
I didn’t know where I would be going from my first stop, but I knew that I would never again be what I once was.
My transformation was inevitable, and however long it took, when I was through I would emerge with a knowing of self beyond all of what I defined myself with at home.
This was a gateway, a transformative period of surrendering my old way of belonging and saying goodbye for good to the girl within me.
leaving all behind in search of self

if I can’t look within, at all that is within, how can I possibly bring it out?
I had dreams, visions and epiphanies of being this woman

I had to ask myself the simple question.

who am I outside all that defines me?
what is it I need to release?
how do I bring myself authentically into the world?
how to overcome MYSELF?

Becoming whole took the courage to undermine parts of myself.
go within
breakdown to break through.
Digging down felt unpleasant, looked unpleasant at times, emotions, flashes and memories that I did not on any level wish to acknowledge.
I am fine, had been my key phrases throughout my life.

I wasn’t fine, my self wasn’t where I wanted to be.
Push, dig, unravel, reweave.

“Everything can be a possible course of action, show love to yourself, know that you are in a healing space.
The process has been unfolding up until now, and these are the steps to undo your negative patterns that are deeply rooted.
Just BE, know that all you wish for will come to fruition.
Your purpose will become more clear, your mind more sharp as you move to take your seat within and regain full power of self.
Trust the process, let it unfold”
5/22/2009 journal

Not an easy process, digging into my subconscious patterns

I had to contend and come to terms with my ego.
Realizing that much has been created out of my wounds. Self protecting and putting guards up.

 

I spoke into the empty spaces once worked through promising myself

 

A beautiful, tragic and eloquent process of aligning myself with who I truly am.
I started to feel this solid presence of my inner self, knowing that with cultivation this part of me would become unmistakeable.
slowly, and little by little I was transforming my chrysalis becoming stronger, heavier, almost ready to emerge.
A new energy emanated from within, a hum of clarity, a knowing of a deeper nature.
Building my foundation out of unshakeable stone, instead of crumbling sand.

When issues surface from time to time, I look at them with compassion and give myself the space to work through them, with love I tell myself its ok to process.
Situations and people that represented old parts of myself started to either fall away, or transform into a space where I could flourish.

I have emerged from my cocoon, with intelligence, depth, inner beauty, strength, knowledge of self and self love, and I love every minute of what I have experienced.
What I have come into within is so much more than any amount of money, career move, or partying could have brought me.
A journey within that forever changed my life.

A level of knowing myself permeates my existence, whether or not it is accepted.

I know who I am.

xo,

Nicole

 

Break Free

My inner child is coming through

she would like to say to

ME

and

YOU

“You take yourselves WAY too seriously

I see………

see through

underneath the hardness and ego,

therein lies an innocence and wonder

strip your masks away and come play

come frolic with me in the magic of the world.

Revel in the pleasure and beauty

come laugh, dance, sing, skip and jump

be blissful, delightful in every day, every way

be a princess, fairy, queen, angel, prince, elf, king, hero.

be your hearts desire on the stage of the world.”

In a world so fear saturated
it can be a daunting task
as we all have our swords drawn
waiting to attack or be attacked.

 

I would like to pose these questions

What defines you?

Is that who you are?

are you your bank account, your career, your car, your friends, your house, your status, your religion?

NO

you are not what you know, where you went to school, what you have, who you hang out with, your past, your future.
You are not what you look like, what kind of clothes you wear or how much money you spend.
you are not where you live, what you listen to, what you watch on tv, what you quote, what you have learned.
how cool you think you are
how great you want to be
how exclusive and different
YOU are not even your story.

Step outside of everything you identify yourself with for a minute,
just try it beyond your reservations and withholdings.

how does letting go of all of that, even for an instant, feel?

what I want to know is

where are you when time stands still?

when you feel the connection to all of life?

when you are feeling limitless, all encompassing and in this moment?

YOU

are so much more and yet much simpler.

YOU

unravel all the outward identifying definitions of self and you are left with

YOU

underneath all of the materialistic defining sources

YOU

an essence
a space
a beautiful light
more exquisite than you can comprehend.

a vulnerable, sensitive space of no time
a place that exists beyond labels and generalizations,
an individual light of the same source.
that source being a force
of knowing and love
of stillness and acceptance
buried underneath
same same but different

from me

trust me
I know, feel, see, understand it.

that, my friend,

is the real

YOU

The question becomes
how can we collectively strip off these masks and truly understand and embrace the inter-connectedness to one another?

before its too late?

before our race self-destructs?

a vicious, voracious cycle we as humans are in.

superficiality, inferiority, superiority, group us-vs them mentality, power dynamics, exclusivity, elitism, hierarchies are all forms of fear and separation (insecurity)
keeping us locked in our shell and mentality,
judging what is different, instead of embracing what is similar.
feeling superior because we fear being inferior
power-playing outwardly to feel powerful
all the while
the power-source is within.

gossip, criticism, judgement, anger, hatred, ostracization, blame, vindication, separation,
are all part of this fear paradigm.

and fear will keep us imprisoned forever if we allow it.

I don’t care what your judgements, fears and insecurities are
I will accept you for you
I will always think of you as equal
I will try to be in a space of encouraging you for who you are
shadow and light.

I understand

We are humans
with our own emotions and insecurities,
all on our individual paths,
no one right way or one right truth
billions of micro truths, ways and beings
in owning our truth we become sovereign.

what do you feel, what is your passion, how are you the way you are……

without ego?

break free with me
love, love, love, love, love,
is the only space worthy of being,
for love is the key
and will get us through any and everything.

come from that place, show me your realness,
in my opinion
that is the most beautiful you can be
I appreciate you for the light that is underneath all of the fabrications resulting from a plastic, ego-driven, fear-based society.

it is all within

YOU

and

ME

I am learning to love my space within
of unlimited potential,to do, experience and be
in the now
It is all I have and am,
this moment.
all I wish is to be loved and accepted through my guards, fears and fallacies.
Allowing my inner light to shine brilliantly.

xo
Nicole

Love to Love Me

 

A wise woman once stated
“It’s not how much you love the person you are with,
it’s how much you love yourself with that person.”

Once upon a time I was in what I thought to be love. Rather than love, it was more of a lesson, within my soul’s growth and process.  I went to Germany for this love, a love I thought we would end up happily ever after, only to realize the ending of such was a new beginning.

Where it once felt easy and effortless, this love started to go against the flow.
I felt I was swimming upstream in a rapidly rushing current of water.
Missing my own boat to jump on another. Yet a healing process was underway. A transformation that the rest of my future world will help you discover, as I discovered myself.

I glimpsed my inner girl transforming within the chrysalis, accessing the woman I am. I began to experience my shadow and light, awareness of self coming into sharp contrast. I saw that I wasn’t living MY dream, rather living someone else’s.

I asked myself.

Am I happy? Please show me the truth of what I’m meant to see.
Seeing wasn’t easy.
My truth was

“This love isn’t right for me, cultivating an inner unshakeable love is to attract my true love who is meant to be”

Shockingly…
the universe slapped me in the face with reality,
shaking me to my core, waking me from my unawakened dreams, allowing me to let go of that which was no longer for me, to open up to unexplored possibilities.

A pivotal step in my growth, this spanning love throughout the years was a transformative teacher, strengthening me in who I am.

I learned that words are nothing but dreams without action…

Action Speaks.

I experienced my ability to give love and how much love I have to give, I love to love

If I am not truly loving myself, how could I possibly build a loving relationship on being in any space other than self-love?

With patience, independence and awareness, unhealthy patterns were overcome.

Within the cataclysmic breakdown of this relationship, I felt myself gliding into new directions. Thoughts came to me in the contemplative state I was in while traveling alone to Italy.

“I desire to move into a space of empowerment and inspiration close to and coming from my source. I will allow only the best treatment in my life, from myself most importantly. In order for me to have what I want with my love, I have to be my love. So that I can attract the love I’m meant to have with my true soul mate when the time is right.

It is time to do what feels right, be who I know myself to be, contentedly within, LETTING GO into my flow of existence.”

Walking through the romantically lit city of Verona, a treasure of unfounded beauty,
I understood that I came to Verona to fall in love.

to fall in love with me.

In the mirror, I had a heart to heart with self, looking into my eyes I told myself,

“Nicole…

I know that you were looking for this deep transformative love and wanted to have it because it made you feel loved, yet,

I LOVE YOU

The love, adoration, strength and happiness you are looking for, I will give to you, I am here for you and fully love you.
I believe in you, that is all I can do. When the time is right, True Love will find it’s way into your life, and you will know it’s right.”

With that being said, the cultivation of self-love has been more reliable, more trustworthy, more difficult and more resplendent than any love I have yet known.
Self love means loving who I am and loving my life, even through the harshness. Witnessing the beauty of self and life even when I almost want to give in, when I feel I slip up, when life is not what I want.

When every fiber of my being wants to break down and not push forward,

I persevere.

I love and accept myself and all that entails, my inner love becomes pronounced daily; the lotus flower within my heart, unfolding, never-ending.

My living dream is every moment, every experience, every taste, every smell, every encounter, every thought, every emotion.

Love is a two-way street and it starts within.

I am love

xo,

Nicole